Earlier today the writer and excellent blogger Lyz Lenz asked, “So, tell me your triumphs! How far have you come in the past three years? How has your life changed? What do you celebrate or mourn?”
Somehow Lyz always gets a comment from me. I think that her other readers are beginning to know me. For this I wrote quickly:
Three years. Wow. With the aforementioned wonderful partner I moved to France, never having been there before. I would return at a moment's notice, but for reasons not specific to me it didn't work for Susan.
We are now in Nova Scotia. In part we moved here because it was close to kids and grand-kids, until their house burned to the ground and they left for Montreal. We found ourselves as primary caregivers for Susan's ex-husband, who was living with the kids. He is a man who refused to speak to me or be in the same room for some fifteen years. He was in terrible shape, and honestly we can argue that by getting him to the hospital in Halifax we may have saved his life.
I now count him as a friend, and he cooked a nice Korean BBQ for Susan's birthday dinner last night. Mmmm - rice balls.
My triumph though has been to slowly go from the care-giver to everyone, the one who acquiesces to whatever other people want, the one with no opinion on many day to day things, to a person who will say "No, I do not want to do that." It has been a long, hard, journey.
And, unbelievably, I have somehow become a gym-rat who enjoys lifting weights, and cardio, and all of that other stuff, and who actually takes pride in seeing muscles develop.
Although, now that I write this, that is also a part of caring for myself first, instead of leaving it to the end.
And, oh yes, I quit Twitter this week. Find me at BlueSky! https://bsky.app/profile/appalbarry.bsky.social
And yes, I stopped, and thought, and understood that the person that I am today is not who I was ten or twenty years ago.
(OK, I’ll agree that large parts of my persona and psyche are the same as they were when I was twelve or twenty, and that old habits die very, very hard, but I still maintain that we can all grow and learn even into our sixties and seventies.)
What I understand today is that sometimes things that “just are” actually benefit from being identified and even written down. I’m looking at old practices and habits, and understanding why they stay with me.
Even though reading has always been at the core of my life, and consumed large parts of it, it’s only this year that I understand that it’s not just a pastime, it’s something that I need to do to stay happy and balanced. Now I’m working to make sure that there are blocks of time set aside to just read.
I’m once again listening to music, and bought a stereo just for that purpose. and I’m buying CDs again (and considering a turntable). As I sit here I’m awaiting delivery of the White Stripes’ incredible “Icky Thump.”
What I’m understanding again is that listening to music isn’t a pastime, it’s an integral part of how I work as a writer. And it’s far too important to be considered a hobby, or background noise.
I’m learning that being outdoors really does matter to my quality of life. I mean if you follow my columns in the Globe and Mail you’ll find that nearly every Nova Scotia column is about weather or the outdoors.
Somehow, for the first time in my life, I’m feeling comfortable about who I am, and that I can change as needed, and can direct my own life. That is really remarkable to me.
With that comes an equal comfort at offering gentle but useful advice to people with whom I cross paths; being able to say “Yes, I understand your situation, and maybe this will help you out.”
Some of this change reflects living in France, and then living in Nova Scotia. Some of it reflects living with an amazing woman who has changed me in may ways.
A large part of it though reflects time spent reading people like Lyz Lenz, and seeing myself, and my life, through their eyes.